I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize