drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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