im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
