she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
