history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
