She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
