You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
