I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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