I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
