Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
