when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
