I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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