All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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