Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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