So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
