Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
