please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
