1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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