my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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