Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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