if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
