Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
