If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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