He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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