I feel like abortions should bother me more
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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