I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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