My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
