WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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