1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
