I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
