yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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