I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Every concussion has its silver lining
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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