It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
