one two three fourrrrnication!
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
