I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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