I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize