I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
