so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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