i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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