i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
