My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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