God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
