I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
