My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
false alarm, still single
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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