I can text with my tongue
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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