i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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