Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
