they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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