Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
