I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
