Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
