Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
