so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
