I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
