Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
