The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
