I wannas sexs uuuuu
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
