Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
