I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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