My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
