While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
