remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
